「 what behind my shadow. 7:15 PM 」

Oh no...


My stats grade is out!!! Im freaking out, dont dare to check cos i have a feeling i screwed up this paper. And its gonna pull my GPA down man. This semaster seems no different from last semaster, FA was disappointing. Only a B+ when im expecting at least a A-. And stupid comms, just a B. wth. My STATS.......shucks.

Hope for the best.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Never mind, its okay. Never mind, its okay."


I kept on telling myself. Self assurance works best. It cures insecurity temporarily, at least for now. To me: Let it pass.

「 what behind my shadow. 8:56 AM 」

I wonder if any man out there has ever really, truly loved a woman before.
Putting everything else aside, and just love someone wholeheartedly.
Make her the happiest woman in the world.
I yearn to be one of these women since i was little. Before i even know what is love all about. Becos at the end of the day, women only pursue one thing called LOVE, nothing else. No money, no nothing. We just want to feel blissful and loved by the man we love. Its as simple as that.

Have you really loved a woman?

To really love a woman, to understand her, you gotta know her deep inside.
Hear every thought, see every dream and give her wings when she wants to fly.
And when u find urself lying helpless in her arms, you know you really love the woman.
You love a woman? Tell her she's really wanted
You love a woman? Tell her that she's the one
She needs somebody to tell her that its gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really really, really loved a woman?
To really love a woman, let her hold you till you know how she needs to be touched
You gotta breathe her, really taste her till you can feel her in your blood
when you can see her unborn children in her eyes, you know you really loved the woman.
She needs somebody to tell her that you'll always be together.
So tell me have you ever really really, really loved a woman?

You gotta give her some faith, hold her tight, feel her tenderness, you gotta treat her right, she'll be there for you, taking care of you, you gotta love a woman.
----

「 what behind my shadow. 3:20 AM 」

Gathering @ Eug's new house in Bukit Batok ytd.
In the end, it became a 'Bedok Central food gathering', cos all the food we bought are from there. The famous chwee kueh, hokkien mee, oyster egg, otah, carrot cake, etc. And not to forget beehoon and curry. Oh and a big watermelon. So sinful. I ate so much ytd.
US:


Evidence of me being 'bullied'....look at how they stuff marsh mallows into my tiny little mouth & stupid eugene pushed my head while im trying to pose! arg.

「 what behind my shadow. 8:28 AM 」

This is the 1st time im ever impressed with an 'off-counter' beauty product.
Like truly impressed.
I wanna switch my damn farking expensive blemish cream cum moisturiser to DIOR'S HYDRACTION GEL!!!!! Its damn good! I recommend to anyone who has dry or combination skin, or skin prone to blemishes and dehydration. This product work miracles man! I love it. Not only it makes my skin more radient and smoother texture, but it helps to control my seasonal blemish breakout too!
And comparing the price of Jean Yip's blemish cream which rips me off everytime($128 per bottle...damn...and it can only last me for atmost 3 mths) to this dior's star product which is only surprisingly 85 bucks! And i heard from eunice i can get em online for only 55 bucks! And it can last me much longer!
I dont wanna kena hammer all the time. I always kena hammer, even at the cheapest stuff i bought. And people pls dont get hydramax from c****l cos it sucks. Cause breakout. Waste my moolahs man. Bought it at like 92 bucks. shiet. And one whole bottle not even used yet. =(

I love DIOR so much. heh. My current hot-listed brand. Glam cosmetics and quality facial products and sweet fragrance!
=)

「 what behind my shadow. 7:16 AM 」

"Wei ah, i 1st time see you like this over a guy. Last time always dump ppl, now its your turn. This time round you really like him alot hor? Never seen you so upset before."(in chinese)
My little mummy told me these words while i was happily watching my tv.
I was taken aback by what she said. I replied, ''mummy, i 21 yrs old already, cannot play play anymore. Im serious this time round." She saw how sad i was over the past few days, and how i almost ruin the relationship with my own hands. Im too wilful, spoilt and always think that whatever i said and do is right. And everything ONLY revolves around me, which, apparently is not. I behave like a kid despite my age and i have wierd habits that irritate people around me or close to me. For eg, i will drink different drinks in different cups and leave them all around the house, in ron's house, i do the exact same thing. Same goes for food. And even pouring a glass of water, i need ron to do it for me. And my room is always forever messy even one day after my maid cleans it up. Thats how 'spoilt' i am. My dad had enough of me over the years man. I need to make some revolutions or changes to my life.

I dont wanna suffer any more pain of losing him again.I wanna cherish him all over again. Im really bent on it. I catalyzed our breakup and i dont wanna do it again. It almost drove me nuts. Im really glad that there is still a chance for us to work things through and solve our problems eventually. May it be religion or whatever, we will face em together.
I love you.

「 what behind my shadow. 9:44 AM 」

My 21st makeover.
Me & eunice went to Dior makeover at Raffles city's atrium.
Love DIOR. Especially dior's show mascara & latest eye shadow compact & pink eyeliner...I love my makeup by Cindy too, she's great......heh.
Smoky eyes effect, make my eyes look so cat-tish. And hair styling specially by stylist from Le Salon. Looks kinda like peacock or chicken head, but its nice! Eunice's hair was cool, look like some rebellious girl in NYC. The only little letdown was i couldnt get back all my photos...can only choose the nicest out of many cos its supposed to be for a contest. And winner will walk away with $1000 worth DIOR PRODUCTS & A DIOR WATCH!!! I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looking at my 17 yrs old makeover @ Coverlooks and 21st, there's really a difference. Cos i was way too chubby then compared to now. The girlish look to a more mature look now.
Spot the differences:


Biggest difference: i smiled with TEETH!!!! haha
Snaps @ Dior atrium:









Ok nuff abt my photo makeover. Time to plan some gatherings for my 21st bdae!
UG & guys: 5th may ok?(dinner , catching up & taking pics)
TK 4C: 4th may ok?(KTV & dinner)
Poly: 3rd may(cos its ladies nite babesss)
Shihui: You choose...heh. after ur exams babe!
SMU: Planning in progress =)
Pls tell me whether its a good idea to celebrate on those days or u guys have other ideas of celebration in mind! =)

As for him, we are working things through. Dont worry abt me people, i will make myself happy. And as long as he's with me, im happy. smiles* Wish us all da best ok?

「 what behind my shadow. 8:45 AM 」

I know those ppl who are having exams will prollyl wanna scold me now....
BUT
MY EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!!
Yay!!~~~~~
And my long awaited 4.5 MONTHS of summer break is here! Just look at the color of my font...so summerish'. heh.
What the hell am i going to do in 4 mths? Shiet. Rot at home and out with frens, K my dvds & vcds, snooze like a pig, stay out late, online freak, etc.
And work part time?
hmmmmmm.

I still wanna say today 's FA paper SUCKSSSSSS. Its quite tough, stupid 4 profs who set the paper together. Arg. And my business comms final grade is only a B. WTH. =(

Anyways, i shopped to almost my heart's content today. Almost only. I still wanna get a pair of skinny jeans(damn its hard to find a nice jeans tt FIT ME.), hat, belt and baggg. Am going to hunt for all these on wed. =) Putting these aside, i bought like another pair of shoes this month from gripz. 70% of all my shoes are from there man. Im like a 'walking model' for em. Oh, and i conquered 1 green skirt and 1 top from fcuk too. And a cute little cosmetic pouch from far east.

Recairnation is FREAKY. Scary. Bloody too. But somehow, i wished i never came out from the threatre. I was totally immersed into the movie. And after it ended, everything was back to its original place again.

「 what behind my shadow. 10:11 PM 」

Just let me be gone for a while.
I need time to let go everything.
I'll be okay after a while.
I need to stone and think things through.
My heart needs to be healed.
Whatever reasons you gave it to me, i accept em.

Someone fix my heart.
I dont wanna feel painful and sad anymore.

Peeps: I will be back to me after a while ok? Dont worry. =) =) =)
...No more blogging temporarily...

No matter how pessimistic i am as a Taurus, I once thought to myself that you were the one meant for me. I really did. I never fancy this kinda thought before to anyone who came to my life because i dont dare to and i think they were not suitable. But you....i once thought that you are the right person. Despite being together for a short time, i felt like we could really connect. But until today do i realised only i feel it this way. Only i was too blinded by love and everything about you. And having love alone might not be enough for some people. To me, all that matters is love between two person. Nothing else really matters.

「 what behind my shadow. 8:07 PM 」

Thanks to all(Eunice, qimin, meng, dennis, shihui, zhiying, jiatang, fiona, jillian, sharon). I really appreciate it, without your care and concern, it might be even harder for me to get over this. Dont worry pals, i will concentrate on my exams now and once its over, i will do whatever i can to make myself feel better. =) Gonna have a crazy retail therapy on monday straight after exams. I wanna shop till i drop dead.

And to you, thanks for still being there for me. Though its not the same anymore, i am glad i still have you as my friend. Now, like what u have told me, i wont hope for anything more already. I'll just take a step at a time. But do know that i still want you back as much as last time. And i know it isnt easy for you too. So do be strong as well. Since we cant spend as much time as we did last time, go and find your frens for company. Go out and have fun.

I will get used to this major change in my life. I will and i believe i can.

「 what behind my shadow. 6:58 PM 」

I wish to believe everything that happened to me over the past few days, its for a reason. A good valid reason.
But somehow, i just dont see it. I dont understand why.
Every night before i sleep, i wish upon that the nx day i wake up, things would be fine. Like how it always were after we bicker or quarrel. But it never happen. I know this is not another argument we have.

And yesterday, i've got to know the real truth. Religion is the least problem. The real problem between us is that, you cant make me happy. wrong, wrong, wrong. If its really like tt, i would not chose to be with you in the first place. And i know it the best myself, that you are able to make me smile. I always feel extra blissful to have you around. We are incompatible? What is compatibility? All i know is as long as love each other, we are compatible. Why wanna make things seem more complicated than it really is? I am just a simple girl looking for happiness and i truly see that you can give it to me. I dont ask for anything more, i dont need you to shower me with material gifts, i dont need you to give in to me all the time, i can get used to that. I dont need all these; i just want you back.

What should i do after exams? What should i do during my free time? I am so used to seeing you every single day, what do you want me to do now? I cant seem to find solitude except with you. We have so many things to do together, so many things to fufill, and now i can only treat it like it never happen. Who is going to accompany me to school now, who is going to talk to me over the phone every single night, who is going to imitate all those advertisements and make me laugh, who is going to carry my stuff when its heavy, who is going to print notes for me when my printer runs out of ink, who is going to eat dinner with me every evening, who is going to embody my tantrums, who is going to hold my hands and hug me when im sad, who is going to study with me during exams, who is gonna love me?
I need you.

「 what behind my shadow. 9:28 PM 」

Im devastated. Cos you hurt me like crazy. No one has ever done that to me.
Issit a retribution? After what i have done to my exs all these years?
Now i finally understand how they feel. Im utterly sorry.

I always love you for who you are. This is so unfair. Because i am not a christian, you had to do this to me. I saw it coming, but i was always hoping for the best that this would happen later, or we could try our best to overcome it. I did so much to be with you and now, all these must happen. Why wasnt i told of these in the beginning? "It is a sin to be with a gal who is a non-christian. I cannot commit to someone who is not a christian. We dont have any future cos you are not a christian. "

Yeah, issit my fault that i am not the same religion? Or issit my fault that i love you too much? This is cruel. You make me feel like i am better off dying or disappearing to somewhere.

p.s: sorry that i have to blog this down, cos i dunno how else to channel my thoughts. I need a letout.

I never knew how hard it is to love someone until i met him.
I get agitated or upset by the slightest things he say or do to me. And often, i wonder why i react in this way. Its all because i love him too much.

I never knew how many blemishes i have in my character until i met him. All the things that he said about me, no one has ever told me before. Then, it dawned on me, i am not so nice after all. And, i am not a good gf who knows how to take care of my man and make him happy. After knowing what kinda person i am, i feel like such a failure. Insensitive, selfish, childish pride, bad attitude, rude, spoilt, spendthrift...=( All the things he said about me, i thank him for letting me know so that i can try to change.

But today i am truly, utterly hurt. Its the day i felt the worse after i met him. Less than 2 hrs, the exact same thing has to happen again. Why am i being treated like this? In the end, i just figured out one thing. If he really love me, he wouldnt have hurt me so much. Dont be so nice to me at this minute, and ignore me the next minute. And then call me again to go home together. Dont treat me like this. It hurts like crazy.

I really dont know what you want anymore. And sorry, i cant pretend to be normal and carry on as usual. Because if i do it, the next time it happens again, its gonna be the same. And that was not what i want. I never wanted things to be lidat. You know it.

My poor parents gotta see me cry. So sorry, i didnt wish to do that. The stupid message came at the wrong time when im just right at my doorstep, so my tears just followed. So sorry i had to lie too, its not because of stress or school.

The ONLY pleasant thing that happened to me today was:
Coming out of the bathroom and seeing a box on my table. Its Poh Heng. My dearest mummy bought a diamond key necklace for me as my 21st bdae present. This is the FIRST time she ever gave me a gift for my birthday and somemore, so early. Really appreciate it. Its the only thing that brightens up my mood.
And thanks to eunice too for being there.



I wish i can feel better.* I need to. My heart is crying.

「 what behind my shadow. 8:06 AM 」

Happy 21st Birthday to my 2 pals,
ZHIYING & BOON TECK!

I haven seen TK 4C peeps for soo long, besides zhiying whom i meet up quite often for shopping & coffee session. We celebrated zhiying & boon's 21st @ Settlers' Cafe @ Clarke Quay. Finally, i got to understand what is this cafe all about. Ok, food sucks, but game is fun. Especially when its with my classmates, the bunch of ppl im close to during those sec. sch days. Ahh..miss those times in class man.
We played 'monkey speed' and the other one dunno what...but out of these 2 games, i must comment that zhiying & dennis are really ULTIMATE BLUR TO THE EXTREME. hahaha...zhiying i can understand, she has been leading a blurrified life since sec school and maybe cos she mug too much today, BUT DENNIS??? hahaha...dude, u really crack me up, just like good old times. Hey guys, today kinda met up too late already, not much time to catch up. Lets gather again after our examssss....=)

TK 4C(incomplete)

My super chatty partner in tk...heh


I am so so not ready...the person who took our picture didnt say 1,2,3 at all and there she went.

Today i suddenly felt like im living in your shadows. I saw identical resemblance of you and im stunned. Why do i have to be reminded of you again? Why can 2 person look so alike? clueless me.

「 what behind my shadow. 5:28 AM 」

its funny how women, like me, and i believe, many others out there, can feel soo insecure about our men, no matter how much assurance they give us. I guess its has nothing to do with the assurance, trust or whatsoever. The root of the problem is, we are too afraid of losing the person we love. So its virtually impossible to rid all the insecurity in our hearts.

After talking to meiqi online today, i realise im not the only one with this problem. The difference btw the two of us is that, she can only get to see sean weekly(visit mq's blog).

But for me, i see Ron every single day, and spend time together everyday. Some couples might find us fortunate to have the chance to be together everyday, but, there is always pros and cons. Yeah, i dont have to miss my bf anymore, i can simply cross the bridge that links sengkang & pungol together within 10 mins and arrive at his doorstep, and there he is. Or we can meet at sengkang mrt to go to school together or else he can wait for me in school and go home together. In school, we can talk online and meet somewhere to have lunch, etc. Thats how we are seeing each other everyday. Its a routine that i look forward to everyday. BUT...this has kinda led to more conflicts btw us. As people always say, the more u see each other, the more conflicts you would have. Its true. All the little bickerings every now and then, and throwing tantrums(mostly me), im beginning to wonder maybe its a bad idea to see him everyday. I feel very tired whenever we bicker even though we know in the end, we will definitely be okay. So, then, why bicker in the 1st place? And quoting from mq's blog, " To him, he's just in a foul mood, but to me, i feel so useless not being able to lift up his spirits." Thats exactly how i feel when Ron ignore me or when he's grumpy. I feel useless and clueless. Like what have i done again or why cant i make him happy. And he doesnt know how much he mean to me until now. Maybe i am never expressive with my feelings to begin with. The thoughts in my mind always turn out to be totally opposite when it comes out of my mouth. I honestly dunno why i cant say what i want to. Issit pride, ego or what?
Ok, back to mugging stats.
Its taking a toll on me.

* A Love to kill * By Rain is damn phucking nice...anyone wanna borrow? Im so so addicted to it.

「 what behind my shadow. 7:13 AM 」

Stats is literally killing me.
wad hypothesis, finite correction factor, test statistic shiet.
Urg.
I hope after this semaster, i will have nothing to do with stats, ever again. This module is just nuts. Okay, it partly my fault cos i skipped like 50% of classes. But, still, this module is stale and torturing.
I have 25 qns DUE ON 4TH APR, 7pm!!!!!
AHHHHH~~~~~~
I desparately need help. S.O.S


I have made up my mind to MOVE ON. I wont care a shiet if he still feel bitter or wadever towards me. I am just gonna enjoy my life and move on. Its tiring to keep wondering if he's alright, has he move on or is he still angry with wad i did to him. Like wad he said to me, he has his own life and i have my own. So lets call it quits. It doesnt really matter to me anymore, even if he doesnt want us to remain as friends. As much as i want us to carry on and be frens like last time, i cant do anything if he is unwilling.

And Ron...he's my all. These 4 mths of leading an 'unusual and lavish couple life'-seeing each other EVERY SINGLE DAY, spending soo much moments together and going through rough times, i really feel that i cannot do without him. Never once did i say 'i like you' or 'i love you' to him, but my heart truly feels this way. He's the only one who can endure all my grumpy-ness & moody shiet and yet still endear me so much, always giving in to my nonsense. Honestly, i feel so grateful for wadever he have done for me. It doesnt really matter if you find it embarrassing to say sweet notings to me(though i may get a little grumpy) becos i know how you feel. =)

Just like today, haha, he's so cute. I noticed this chi ko pek kept staring at me while im eating at mosburger with Ron. So i complained to him, 'eh dunno why tt fat guy keep staring at me, also dunno for wad.' Then Ron started noticing him with the corner of his right eye, to see whether he really did stare at me. Suddenly, he just blurted out quite loud, 'wa lao so pathetic eat there alone, so lonely, no 1 eat with you...' I stopped him. If not he would have gone further to insult him. heex..I know you dont like ppl looking at me dear. hahaha......hahaha